Confession makes a crush so much less sexy

So think hard about what it is you might not want to be thinking about, the impending death of a parent or other loved one, financial troubles, whatever

Whenever you start thinking about the neighbor, think about the thing you’re probably avoiding and then let it go. posted by Ironmouth at PM on [9 favorites]

You’ll probably hate this advice, but I generally find that the easiest way for me to get over a crush – perhaps especially those of the potentially dangerous „omg-I’m-SO-attracted“ variety – is to tell my partner. Yup. . And, conversely, can also build intimacy with your partner.

„Honey. I have something on my chest I need to share with you.. Understand that I love you very much and our marriage means the world to me. And that’s why I need to talk with you about this insane crush I have ..“

This really depends on what kind of relationship you have, but I would also tell my partner

You can (and should) still pursue therapy .. But consider making the crush something you and your partner think through together.

As far as wanting sex .. Totally normal. Also normal not to want a sexless marriage. I tend to think the crush is a distraction from this fundamental issue. If you agree, you can even tell your husband the same thing. posted by Gray Skies at PM on [4 favorites]

By fretting over these feelings, trying to suppress them, using „all the tools at your disposal“ to „curb“ this crush, you are actually causing yourself to focus on them even more. Far better to accept that this is something your hormones and your brain happen to be doing at the moment. It’s not a catastrophe, & it doesn’t make you a bad person. Even sleeping with your neighbour would probably not mean you were a bad person. It would, however, cause a great deal of harm, & that’s what you should try to avoid.

Think about why this crush has become so central in your life. What need is it fulfilling? Only you can answer for sure, but if I had to guess, I would say you’re a bit bored; you’re not getting enough attention from your husband (in general, not just sexually); and you’re either not getting enough sex, or not finding the sex you do get to be satisfying.

That is what you should be discussing with your husband. Don’t tell him about your feelings for your neighbour unless you are prepared for either or both of the following scenarios:

1. His being deeply hurt in a way you can never repair; 2. His confessing that he’s been lusting after someone else all this time, too.

Mostly because he would understand it’s a crush and it would not be a huge deal in our relationship, so YMMV.

The rationale behind this is that I think sometimes the thrill of it being a secret and a new shiny thing is a huge factor in a crush’s power and telling my husband would take that whole thing out of the equation. Accountability does wonders and once you start to be accountable it’s easier to continue. You don’t need to give him details. You can just say you have a crush and you feel it’s something he should know, and tell him it might be related to the changes in your intimate life.

The same way accountability kind of builds upon itself, once you start doing things covertly (the messages!), it is really easy to continue that path, too. Especially with the way you say they are nothing untoward except they are overly flirty, it’s like you are already dismissing them as not a big deal but I wonder if your husband would agree?