Loving An Abusive Partner: Why Do I Love My Abuser?

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the United States and a good time to think about how to best help a friend or relative in an abusive intimate relationship. In my book Unhealthy Helping, I emphasize that well-intended intervention isn’t enough to effectively help others, and some forms of helping are subject to backfire. This is especially true when it comes to helping friends or loved ones experiencing domestic violence. To learn more about emotional abuse, click here to read the five signs of emotional abuse. To learn more about Safe Horizon programs that may help, you can visit our Community Programs page, Hotlines page, or learn the facts about domestic violence. In an effort to understand emotional abuse, we asked six experts to share some of the subtle warning signs that could indicate you’re caught in this type of toxic relationship.

Make sure that the relationship is mutually beneficial and that both of you are happy. Treat your partner with respect and expect that they do the same for you. If they seem eager to rush things or get very serious very quickly, that can be a red flag. Both partners should feel good about the pace of the relationship, and no one should feel forced or guilted into moving faster than they want to. It’s not easy to heal from abusive relationships, and it’s especially hard to enter new relationships without the baggage attached from the previous trauma.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

Being abused emotionally can also impact you physically, causing you to develop stomach ulcers, heart palpitations, and insomnia. If you’re dating an abuse survivor, you are with someone who, because of their isolating experiences, has an enhanced capacity to understand intimacy. You’re in the position to co-create a healthy (a.k.a healing) relationship for you and your partner. But first, there are a few things you should understand about abuse and what that means about your partner’s needs. In Christian dating relationships—or marriages—removing oneself from an abusive relationship can often be complicated by the guilt of Christian failure. A breaking of marital vows, perhaps the insinuation that your faith isn’t great enough to heal the relationship, perhaps you’re falling short of unconditional love, and so on.

This behavior is usually an attempt to prevent you from leaving. There are lots of elements that influence a person’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship. And while seeking help to get out of these relationships is the most important thing, blaming someone in an abusive relationship hookupsranked.com/ is never okay. There is a big difference between judgment and responsibility. While someone might have used bad judgment by staying in an unhealthy or dangerous situation, it does not mean that they are responsible, or asking, for the abuse perpetrated against them.

„If your partner is willing to be a part of your healing process, she’ll hear your concerns without defensiveness and tweak her behaviors to make sure you’re more comfortable.“ „One form of emotional abuse – gas-lighting – is designed to make you feel ‘crazy’ when you know something’s wrong,“ Malkin explained. „For instance, when you thought your ex was seeing someone else, he may have called you crazy or paranoid.“ It’s understanding how trauma can affect someone’s emotional and physical responses, and learning how to maneuver around it.

Start a journal

Abuse by a partner can happen to anyone, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual and same-sex relationships. If you are experiencing emotional abuse, remember that it is never your fault.

It’s important to have a safety plan when leaving an abusive relationship. This is a personalized, practical plan to improve your safety while experiencing abuse, preparing to leave an abusive situation, or after you leave. Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims.

Why do some people love their abusive partner?

In many cases, retaliation is designed to hurt the victim where they’re most vulnerable. It can include punishing a victim for doing something the abuser said not to do. In an emotionally abusive relationship, retaliation can be used to keep victims silent, keep them from seeing loved ones or force victims to do things they don’t want to do. Emotionally abusive relationships do not always include physical violence, but psychological abuse can be a precursor to physical harm in a relationship.

An abusive person makes a choice to behave abusively. Emotional abuse can impact friendships because emotionally abused people often worry about how people see them and if they truly like them. Consequently, you may begin to agree with the abuser and become internally critical.

Being newlyweds, Penny thought it was sweet that he wanted to spend so much time with her. But after six months, when Penny began to tell Rob that she really needed time with her friends, his manipulation began to escalate. Penny was very close with her three best friends from college. However, after she married Rob, he began to put distance between her and those relationships. Especially over something you are already worried about.

Turn to a friend, loved one, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or spiritual adviser for support. Your partner only exhibits abusive behavior with you. Abusers are often concerned with outward appearances and may appear charming and stable to those outside of your relationship.

You may find emotional abuse gradually takes away your freedom, individuality, and sense of self. Abuse refers to words and behaviors that intentionally cause harm. It can range from physically violent acts to sexual assault to neglect and humiliation.